My Story of Pride

Someone (anonymously) narrated to us:

I never felt that I was different. Despite growing up in the 80s, it never felt so when I was growing. As far as I remember, the only thing that set me apart from the other boys in the class was my inclination towards dancing. I started learning a classical dance form at a very early age and it was a significant part of my life. I was also really good friends with the girls in my class right from my pre-primary classes. Back in school, I would prefer spending time with them rather than other sports on athletic activities that all the other boys were into. Even in the nineties, when I was growing up, it didn’t feel absurd. I shared my first kiss with a girl sometime during my pre-primary/primary academic years. However, things took a different turn during my adolescent years. I found myself infatuated and attracted to a senior in school who was a guy. It was my very first crush. I was okay with it and did not find anything wrong with my emotions. I remember when I would watch a movie back then, I would romanticize it between him and me, but it never felt that wrong. Eventually, as days and months went by, I confessed my emotions to my senior. That was the turning point for me. 

He communicated his lack of interest but was still gentle and respectful towards my confession. This however spread like wildfire in my school. My closest friends stopped talking to me and boycotted me. Everyone in school stopped treating me like a peer. During this period, I was introduced to different social media platforms that allowed for online communication back then. One of these chats introduced me to an individual. One fine day I took a bus and went to Gurgaon to meet him. He was a mere 19-year-old boy himself. We were on a walk when he invited me back to his place. After sharing a couple of cold drinks, he made a sexual advance at me while pleasuring himself. While I believe it was mutual, what I felt during and after was just confusion, fear, and disgust. I felt like ripping my skin off because what had happened made me extremely uncomfortable with myself. 

Despite this incident, I continued my conversations on the online platforms because I wasn’t accepted by my peers and was left out. This increased activity led to me flunking my 11th grade. Unfortunately, I was asked to switch streams if I wished to continue. But I was sure of what I wanted to pursue as a career, and with my mother’s support, I decided to repeat my 11th grade. While it was a good decision for me on the career front, my social situation worsened. My peers were academically now ahead of me and my juniors made constant fun of me because of the rumours and gossip they had overheard over the years. They would avoid me and I was always by myself. I was even referred to as a ‘hijra’ or ‘chakka’ on many occasions. During this period, I even stopped dancing, something that I loved doing.

But during this time, my online presence and conversations then allowed me to accept myself for who I am. I realized I was not the only one who had inclinations and attractions similar to mine. Along with this, unfortunately also came a couple of incidents of assault and blackmail. However, I couldn’t communicate this to my parents or friends. Coming out to your family is not easy. I found a friend in my grandfather though. When I eventually told him of my inclinations, he was supportive but questioned what I would do to create a future generation. My response of adopting a child convinced him and up until his death during my 11th grade, he remained my closest ally.